I am now 22 years old. I have been in the US Navy for three and a half years. This is has been the biggest growth period of my life and I doubt it is over. I just got back from my fifth deployment on the USS Florida and there are several things I could talk about but I am just going to start using this as kind of a dream journal.
Yesterday, I don't remember specific details, but I dreamt that I was in some house, in the garage, I remember a child's bicycle. I don't know if I was riding it or it was someone else's, but it was there, leaning against the big, white, 15 passenger van sitting in the garage. There was a young girl in the garage with me, I don't remember why she was there or who she was, but she was there, and I knew she was frightened. My mother stood out in the driveway. She was mad about something I don't remember what. She was yelling at me about something, so angry.... The little girl was so frightened and I was so broken and upset and just felt so torn down by my what my mother was yelling at me about. She was tearing me down, battering me with words I had never in actual life heard her tell me. She was telling me I was worthless, slow, stupid, will never measure up to her expectations, etc. I don't remember specifics, but I woke up in a panic. My heart was racing, sweat was on my face, and my breathing was out of control by the time I was able to force myself awake and out of this nightmare.
This last night, it was a little bit more unrealistic, but still horrible none the less. I dreamt my dad, mom, little brother Joshua, and myself were in a dark and eerie house. We were standing on a massive stairwell, it went up, left, and up another flight. Where it turned there was a small platform where two doors were placed in the wall on either side of the stair well with rooms going off to either side. The doors were shut. Joshua was hurt and unconscious and I had him on my back like a piggy back ride, trying desperately to get him up the stairs and out of the house. Something was wrong with the house. Something was there and it made my skin crawl and tears leak from my eyes with fear. As we were passing the doors to go up the stairs, the door on the one side starts shaking, like someone is trying to beat it down and shake it from its hinges from the other side. I start crying even harder, uncontrollably, and my mom and dad just stand there, seemingly stupid or mute or petrified with fear. Neither of them knew what to do or how to act. On top of all of this, for some reason our journey up the stairs stopped. We were, for some unknown reason, stuck on this dark stairwell with barely enough light to see by. In our panic, I hardly notice some boy appear behind me. He looks exactly like Joshua. Somehow I know what will happen. This little boy is going to absorb my small and helpless brother I am still trying to keep on my back. I lay on the floor, Joshua pinned beneath me as I struggle to keep the other boy away from him, but all it takes is one touch and I can feel Joshua start to evaporate right out from under me. The other boy, I can't see his face straight, is contorted somehow, and I know he is not of this earth. Joshua starts to disappear and I start realizing this is a dream. I try so hard to wake up, and I panicking. I wake up, barely, and think I see a young boy in my room I live in in the barracks, my heart beat continues to pick up speed, as though it were possible for it to beat any faster. I slowly come out of my haze and realize there is no boy in my room. Just a shadow of my robe hanging by my door. My heart continues to race for several more minutes. I am afraid to go back to sleep. Eventually, though, I am able to calm enough to fall back into a fitful sleep, not staying down long enough to dream.
I don't know why we have dreams like these. It seems mine occur more frequently the more anxious I get. I don't know why I am so anxious at seemingly random times in life, but I am going to start putting my dreams here for my own record I guess.
Saturday, June 6, 2020
Friday, March 31, 2017
Life's Curve Balls
I am now 19. I have grown in ways I didn't know it was possible for me to grow and all of it was through trials and mistakes I made and thing I inflicted upon myself.
I know for a fact that no one checks this blog, so I guess I will use it as a little journal entry. This is a little bit of an odd time to be writing, though, because I am in my barracks room on the Naval Submarine Base in Groton, Connecticut, and just finished a small work out in my room.
I signed up to join the United States Navy in September of 2015, the fall of my senior year in high school. I was signed up to be an aviation mechanic, but as life seems to enjoy doing, I was thrown a curve ball that put me in Connecticut going to Submarine school to be a Radioman. I will be dealing with communications on and off the boat. The longer I am here, the more time I spend in this field, the more I like it. The more I seem to feel it is right for me. So, that is the current update. I am a United States Sailor and a proud servant of my shipmates. I serve them more than anyone else and wouldn't change it or have it any other way.
My mom and dad have been divorced for a while, and my mom has been remarried to the best man ever for almost two years? I think so, I may be wrong, though. I think it has been almost two years but oh well. Wilson Blackburn is the best thing that has ever happened to my family. He is loving, kind, beautiful through and through, and I am extremely grateful to my heavenly father for making this man the way he is. Nothing comes without trial, though, and Wilson has had his fair share of those. I do not mind one little bit, though, because it made him the way he is. I could not be more grateful or proud of the father figure he is for my family. My youngest sibling, Joshua, is the most effected of all the children. He spends every day with Wilson learning honor, courage, commitment, responsibility, love for the earth and life, learning to work hard and grow strong in the mind, soul, and body, and learning to just grow up to be a strong, faithful man I know he is capable of becoming.
Every man God put on this earth is capable of much more than they know. One must put forth all possible effort to become what one is meant to be before God will intervene and perfect him/her. I know this to be the truth. One must strive for perfection, knowing he/she will never reach it without the help of our loving Father in Heaven. He is always there, but we must search diligently and with faith. We must know that we have to do all that we can, and only when we can do no more must we faithfully seek for the help we need. My family has found and felt God's hand in our lives. But again, it was not without trials. Mistakes and trials. Never stop starting, though. No matter how many times you must pick yourself back up. Get. Up. It is never too late to start again, no matter how far down the wrong path you are, you can always turn back. God IS all forgiving, but you must do all you can before he will help. If you live your life in sin and go by "YOLO," my brothers and sisters, you must reevaluate the decisions you are making. The atonement was put here for our use, but we must use it. We must utilize the tools God has put here on earth for us to use. Why would we have them if they were not intended for our use? We cannot live in sin, not paying attention to our actions and not utilizing the atonement, and expect to be so easily purified in the end. Our life on Earth may be short, but it is the deciding factor in our eternity. It is where we will decide how the rest of our existence will be spent.
I am not saying I am perfect. I know I am not. Not by a long shot. I have made many, many mistakes. The difference, though, is that I got back up. With the help of my mom and much help from my bishop and most importantly my Father in Heaven, I have repented of my wrongdoings and know with a surety that no matter how far you have gone in the wrong direction, no matter your decisions, if you truly want to change for the better and want to make a positive difference in your life and follow in the footsteps of Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father, you must start again. You must get up from where you have fallen by the wayside and move forward. Don't get comfortable with your sins. See them for what they are: sins. Recognize that those are things that are weighing you down and only hindering your possibility of being with your Father in Heaven once more and you have no room for them in your life.
This is not exactly the direction I was intending to go with this entry, but I got a little carried away. Everything I have written so far is the truth. I know this with a burning passion I can feel in my heart. I know it is the Holy Ghost testifying the truth of my words to my soul. I know that if you recognize truth for what it is, if you have an open mind and a willing heart, you will see the truth in what I have said. I would like to say that I know, without a doubt in my heart, that God lives. Jesus Christ, my brother and Savior, lives and breathes as easily and you and I. He came to this Earth to die for us, to give us the atonement, that we might utilize it as we need. No one is perfect. If any human here on Earth thinks he/she is perfect, then he/she is wrong. No one is without sin. We all need to use the atonement on a daily basis. But the most important thing, is that we cannot use it until we are ready. I know the time will come when we are all ready, but it is always there if we find ourselves needing it now. Heavenly Father is always there, though he may seem to be in our imagination, and I have felt his presence only a few times before, we must never forget he who created us. He who gave us breath and life and love and all things precious to us. I know it is never too late to start again.
I know for a fact that no one checks this blog, so I guess I will use it as a little journal entry. This is a little bit of an odd time to be writing, though, because I am in my barracks room on the Naval Submarine Base in Groton, Connecticut, and just finished a small work out in my room.
I signed up to join the United States Navy in September of 2015, the fall of my senior year in high school. I was signed up to be an aviation mechanic, but as life seems to enjoy doing, I was thrown a curve ball that put me in Connecticut going to Submarine school to be a Radioman. I will be dealing with communications on and off the boat. The longer I am here, the more time I spend in this field, the more I like it. The more I seem to feel it is right for me. So, that is the current update. I am a United States Sailor and a proud servant of my shipmates. I serve them more than anyone else and wouldn't change it or have it any other way.
My mom and dad have been divorced for a while, and my mom has been remarried to the best man ever for almost two years? I think so, I may be wrong, though. I think it has been almost two years but oh well. Wilson Blackburn is the best thing that has ever happened to my family. He is loving, kind, beautiful through and through, and I am extremely grateful to my heavenly father for making this man the way he is. Nothing comes without trial, though, and Wilson has had his fair share of those. I do not mind one little bit, though, because it made him the way he is. I could not be more grateful or proud of the father figure he is for my family. My youngest sibling, Joshua, is the most effected of all the children. He spends every day with Wilson learning honor, courage, commitment, responsibility, love for the earth and life, learning to work hard and grow strong in the mind, soul, and body, and learning to just grow up to be a strong, faithful man I know he is capable of becoming.
Every man God put on this earth is capable of much more than they know. One must put forth all possible effort to become what one is meant to be before God will intervene and perfect him/her. I know this to be the truth. One must strive for perfection, knowing he/she will never reach it without the help of our loving Father in Heaven. He is always there, but we must search diligently and with faith. We must know that we have to do all that we can, and only when we can do no more must we faithfully seek for the help we need. My family has found and felt God's hand in our lives. But again, it was not without trials. Mistakes and trials. Never stop starting, though. No matter how many times you must pick yourself back up. Get. Up. It is never too late to start again, no matter how far down the wrong path you are, you can always turn back. God IS all forgiving, but you must do all you can before he will help. If you live your life in sin and go by "YOLO," my brothers and sisters, you must reevaluate the decisions you are making. The atonement was put here for our use, but we must use it. We must utilize the tools God has put here on earth for us to use. Why would we have them if they were not intended for our use? We cannot live in sin, not paying attention to our actions and not utilizing the atonement, and expect to be so easily purified in the end. Our life on Earth may be short, but it is the deciding factor in our eternity. It is where we will decide how the rest of our existence will be spent.
I am not saying I am perfect. I know I am not. Not by a long shot. I have made many, many mistakes. The difference, though, is that I got back up. With the help of my mom and much help from my bishop and most importantly my Father in Heaven, I have repented of my wrongdoings and know with a surety that no matter how far you have gone in the wrong direction, no matter your decisions, if you truly want to change for the better and want to make a positive difference in your life and follow in the footsteps of Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father, you must start again. You must get up from where you have fallen by the wayside and move forward. Don't get comfortable with your sins. See them for what they are: sins. Recognize that those are things that are weighing you down and only hindering your possibility of being with your Father in Heaven once more and you have no room for them in your life.
This is not exactly the direction I was intending to go with this entry, but I got a little carried away. Everything I have written so far is the truth. I know this with a burning passion I can feel in my heart. I know it is the Holy Ghost testifying the truth of my words to my soul. I know that if you recognize truth for what it is, if you have an open mind and a willing heart, you will see the truth in what I have said. I would like to say that I know, without a doubt in my heart, that God lives. Jesus Christ, my brother and Savior, lives and breathes as easily and you and I. He came to this Earth to die for us, to give us the atonement, that we might utilize it as we need. No one is perfect. If any human here on Earth thinks he/she is perfect, then he/she is wrong. No one is without sin. We all need to use the atonement on a daily basis. But the most important thing, is that we cannot use it until we are ready. I know the time will come when we are all ready, but it is always there if we find ourselves needing it now. Heavenly Father is always there, though he may seem to be in our imagination, and I have felt his presence only a few times before, we must never forget he who created us. He who gave us breath and life and love and all things precious to us. I know it is never too late to start again.
Monday, October 8, 2012
CRAZY LIFE!!!!
i have been on this thing in about 2 years!!! when we moved to Colorado things got hecktic! i stopped getting on the computer until i got a facebook... i totaly forgot about this thing :) i feel so bad because some people do look at these things. so sorry but if i do post anything ever... it will not be that much... unless i change my mind and decide to get on this more. sorry :(
Friday, February 18, 2011
Hello world, i Am older and have moved!
i am irritated because i just made a whole long post and the dumb, stupid, retarded computer shut off, so right now i am too mad to type. So i will update you on info of the past couple of months another time. So sorry :(
Saturday, October 23, 2010
NOTHING NEW...................UGH
there is literal NOTHING NEW. right now my life is very boring and i am trying to stay up to date with my email and blog. i have enough people that call me the new girl. a lot of cuties, hope i get lucky................when i am older of course, lol :)
Monday, October 18, 2010
sooooo sorry sooooooo busy!
i never knew that u could have so much homework! well now i am just making up excuses of why i have not been writing. we now live in Colorado and there r boxes everywhere you look! Colorado is gorgeous and it is sooooo cooold! the church i awesome and i have mad 2 new friends in church. the mountains are beautiful and when i am in bed at night, i always wake up and r shivering! BRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I heart Colorado, even though i wish we hadn't moved at all. :( although we might just come back in 3 or more years. Can't wait till then! love ya :)
Monday, June 7, 2010
Hello ;)
I am so happy that it is finally summer and I so not have to worry about getting homework in on time! I am in the top section of my band at school- the wind ensemble. We are starting to paint the house. We might get season passes to Sea World, but I wanted to get six flags. Today we went to South Park Meadows and played in the water next to the park. We also went to visit my aunt who has the cutest kittens. I got a new game boy advanced and I love it! The reason I have not been updating my blog lately is because there has not been nothing new. Sorry.
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